Why Do Compliments Make Me Uncomfortable?

“You’re doing amazing!”

“I love how kind you are.”

“You handled that so well.”

…and boom. Instant awkwardness.

If you're anything like I used to be, compliments feel less like warm hugs and more like... that uncomfortable spotlight at a family function where everyone’s clapping and you just want to vanish into your plate of food.

As a therapist — and someone who grew up hearing kind words but not quite believing them — I’ve spent years unraveling this strange reaction we have to praise. So let’s talk about it, the real reason compliments can make us uneasy. (And yes, we’ve got the science behind it)

“Thanks… but I don’t think I deserve that.” When I was younger, people would often say things like “You sing so well,” or “You’re so responsible for your age!” And I would smile politely… but inside? I’d feel a pressure to prove that I deserved the praise. I’d work harder.

Try to be even more perfect. Because in my head, compliments weren’t affirmations -- they were expectations.

Years later, in therapy and clinical work, I learned this reaction wasn’t rare. In fact, it was textbook low self-worth behavior.

Here’s the thing: when someone compliments you, they’re holding up a mirror. But if your internal image doesn’t match what they see, you don’t feel seen — you feel exposed.

So, Why Do Compliments Make Us Uncomfortable?

Let’s break it down.

1. The Inner Critic Is Louder Than the Compliment

Psychologist Kristin Neff explains that self-compassion is often missing in people who tie their self-worth to performance.

When someone compliments them, the

inner critic goes:

“If only they knew the real you…”“You just got lucky this time.”“You’ll mess up soon anyway.”

This creates a cognitive dissonance — your brain is trying to reconcile the positive external feedback with your negative internal narrative.

2. Compliments Trigger “Impostor Syndrome”

The brain of someone with low self-worth processes compliments like errors — they don’t align with their self-image, so the brain flags them as “wrong.”

A study from the International Journal of Behavioral Science found that 70% of people experience impostor syndrome at some point, especially high achievers.

Compliments then become threats, because they reinforce a version of you that you don’t believe is true — and you're terrified of being “found out.”

Brain science behind it (It’s Fascinating) Here’s what’s wild: your brain’s default mode network i.e. the part responsible for self-reflection — tends to light up more with negative self-talk than positive affirmations, especially in people with low self-esteem.

This is so common and that is why our negative thoughts chase after us longer than our positive pep talk.

In fact, a study from UCLA showed that people with low self-worth literally process compliments as errors in the brain. The praise doesn’t “fit” the mental model you have of yourself, so your brain flags it like a bug in the system.

So How Do We Get Better at Receiving Compliments?

We often think “learning to accept compliments” means just smiling and saying thank you. But it’s deeper than that. It’s about retraining the brain, healing the stories we tell ourselves, and learning to feel safe with being seen.

Sure, it takes a lot of work, especially if you have been practicing otherwise, unknowingly longer

Let’s break this down in a way that speaks to your heart and your neurons:

• PAUSE Before You Deflect

Most of us have a reflex:

“You look amazing!”

“Oh no, I just threw this on.”

“You’re so good at your job.”

“Eh, I just got lucky.”

This is called compliment deflection, and it often comes from discomfort, not modesty.

Next time — pause.Literally. Take a breath. Smile. And instead of shrinking, say:

“Thank you, that means a lot.”“I’m working on believing that.”“I appreciate you noticing.”

It’ll feel weird at first — your brain might scream, “That’s not true!” — but this is where the rewiring begins.

Just by not rejecting the compliment, you're creating a new pattern.

• Start a Compliment Journal
  

Sounds cheesy? Maybe. But powerful? 100%. Every time someone compliments you, write it down. One sentence. No filters. Then, underneath, write how you wanted to respond — even if it's, “I don’t believe it.”

This journaling creates what us psychologists call cognitive awareness — the space between thought and reaction. Over time, you’ll see patterns emerge.

“People keep calling me kind. Maybe that’s not an accident.”“They keep saying I’m dependable. Maybe that’s actually true.”

The more you see the good in writing, the more your brain starts to believe it.

• Use the 20-Second Rule to “Take in the Good"
  

Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our brains are Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive — meaning compliments slide off unless we make them stick.

Again, while this requires work, it is worth it.

So here’s the trick: When someone says something kind, hold it in your awareness for at least 20 seconds. Breathe it in. Imagine storing it like sunlight inside your chest. Let yourself feel the warmth.

This process literally changes neural pathways — strengthening self-worth circuits in the brain.

• Mirror Practise (Yes, Really)

This one can feel awkward, but its gold. I suggest it to most my clients in therapy, and well, however silly it sounds, it does work.

Once a day, look in the mirror and repeat compliments you've received — even if you don't fully believe them.

For example: "You're good at your job." "You have a calming presence." "You're resilient."

It may feel funny to some, but your brain doesn’t differentiate between imagined and real experiences. This mirror work begins to normalize self-affirmation, especially for those of us who didn’t grow up hearing it.

• Share the Compliment Forward
  

When you pass along a compliment, you’re not just being kind — you’re reinforcing your own belief in the good.

Try this: the next time someone compliments you, receive it, and then compliment yourself or someone else later in the day.

It creates what psychologists call a “gratitude loop” — a reinforcing cycle of appreciation that shifts attention toward the positive. I encourage you to try this one. :)

• Connect Compliments to Who You Are, Not Just What You Do

Many of us are okay with being praised for outcomes:“You nailed the presentation.”“You look great today.”

But struggle with deeper compliments like: “You’re a genuinely thoughtful person.”

“You have a beautiful energy.”

These touch on identity, not performance — which feels more vulnerable. So practice linking praise back to your values.

Instead of thinking, “I don’t deserve this,” try:

“That’s who I’m becoming.”

“That’s the kind of person I want to be.”

“Maybe I am that person — and I just never let myself see it.”

These have a way of changing your inner most challenging beliefs about self that you carry.

Bottom Line: You’re Not Faking It — You’re Growing Into It

Learning to receive compliments isn't arrogance. It's integration of your worth, your light, your truth.

Learning to receive compliments isn't arrogance. It's integration of your worth, your light, your truth.

Yes, the inner critic might protest. Yes, your past conditioning may resist.But each time you receive a compliment with grace — even just a breath longer than before — you are rewriting your self-story.

And maybe, just maybe, you’re starting to believe it.

Let this be your reminder today: You don’t need to earn love or praise by doing more.You are already someone worth appreciating  even if it takes a while to feel it fully.

And if you ever need a safe space to explore this… therapy’s a good place to start. :)